Entry 23

[recording on]

*there's the soft sound of crying and the woman sniffles a little, trying to compose herself before talking*

Well you've really done it now girly. Got yourself into your first real relationship, let someone in finally and then lost it...all within the span of hours. No one's quite got your skill.

*she blows her nose and sits quietly for a moment*

It surely was nice while it lasted huh? I had to push though. All because I felt guilty for sleeping with that doctor when I hadn't heard anything from Amillo in a couple of days. But he agreed to it. That's gotta mean something right? He's gotta see me as something a little bit more...even if only for a moment.

*you hear her push up from her chair and start pacing her room slowly*

Then later, he introduced me to a .. friend. His boss. I'm not blind or stupid. I saw what was going on between them. I would have been ok I think except he tried to pass me off to some stranger to 'babysit' me while he ran off to talk to her. It pissed me off and I went and got a drink.

*Her steps get faster. Her voice gets a bit of an edge*

And then he had the absolute nerve to call me and tell me not to drink! Like he was my father or something! Feh!

So I got drunk...of course. When he came in and smiled at me, I didn't know what to think. We talked for a minute and I was pretty drunk so he took me to medical and let me sober up a bit.

*she stops for a minute and lets out a pained whimper*

The sex was wonderful as usual. At least I know no matter what, we'll always have our chemistry. But then I had to go and screw things up. I had to ask about her. I'll give him one thing, he's always been honest with me.

So the gist of it is, he loves her...he thinks wants me...he definitely wants my body...he has absolutely no idea what to do.

*She pulls a bottle from the cooler and you can hear her swirling the liquid around slowly without opening it*

So what did I do? I left. Why? Because I got scared. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay and fight for him and make him forget all about her. But I was weak and walked away.

*She sits down and sets the bottle on the table, rocking it back and forth thoughtfully*

I didn't go home and drink myself into a black out. I called Dr. Maeyls instead. Told her what happened and she told me I should talk to him and tell him how I feel. She also told me it was ok to want to try again.

So I sent him a message. Laid it all out for him.

I feel like an idiot.

[recording off]